Navigating Relationship Dynamics in Polyamorous Marriages

Is it appropriate for me to want my married polyamorous partner to value me as much as their spouse? This is a question that reflects a common challenge many polyamorous individuals face when managing relationships within a marriage framework. Let's break down the complexities and offer solutions.

The Importance of Feeling Valued

It is absolutely appropriate for anyone to want their romantic partner of any gender, marital status, or relationship structure to value them. Every human being deserves to be in relationships where they feel valued and loved.

Challenges in Defining "Valued"

However, there are two primary problems with asking this question. The first is in determining what “valued” means and how it is expressed. The second is in comparing oneself with one’s partner's other partners. Everyone deserves to be valued by the people they love, but everyone has their own individual ideas on the definition of “value.”

The Concept of "Love Languages"

J. Gary Chapman's concept of the 5 Love Languages provides a framework for understanding how individuals express and receive love. Each person has a specific category of things that their partner can do that make them feel loved, and there are also things that they do to express their love.

For example, you might need to feel loved by receiving gifts, while your partner might express their love by doing little acts of service. If your partner can change their behavior to include doing the things that you need to feel loved, then you will start to feel loved. Conversely, if you can learn to see the value in acts of service your partner shows, you will start to appreciate and value those efforts.

Communication and Compatibility

Communication is key to resolving the issue of feeling valued. Define the phrase “feel valued” with your partner and work together to discover how you each feel loved and express your love. Then find compromises where you can both bend in each other's directions.

Unfortunately, there might be situations where the things that make you feel valued are incompatible with how your partner values you. It’s important to recognize that you can still need to feel valued in your relationship, and it’s okay for a partner to have a hard time with that and be unable or unwilling to do so. When that happens, you may simply be incompatible partners.

Comparing Yourself to Your Partner's Other Partners

Comparing yourself to your metamour, your partner’s other partner, is the second most problematic aspect of polyamory. This leads to challenges and, in many cases, the destruction of relationships. Communication is crucial, but comparison often leads to unhealthy competition.

Emphasize the uniqueness of each partner and the irreplaceable nature of their individuality. Specialness should come from the person being special, not an external factor like a favorite restaurant or position of intimacy.

Focus on What You Need

Do not worry about how much they value their spouse or in what way. Concentrate just on what you need to feel valued. If your partner was not married, would the same things make you feel valued If the answer changes just because they are married, this is not a question about being “valued,” but rather a justification for rejecting non-monogamy.

Use the concept of the 5 Love Languages to facilitate clear communication. Discuss what your partner needs to feel valued and what they do to express their feelings. This will help bridge the gap and ensure both partners feel appreciated and loved.

Conclusion

Feeling valued in a polyamorous relationship requires thoughtful communication, understanding, and a willingness to adapt to each other’s needs. By focusing on what you need and listening to your partner, you can create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.