Understanding Covert Narcissistic Parenting: An Inside Look

Covert narcissistic parents, often seen as perfect, can be unexpectedly damaging. The truth is that behind the loving facade, these individuals use manipulative and abusive tactics, designed to control and please themselves at the expense of their children. This article aims to shed light on the behaviors of covert narcissistic parents and provide insights into how families can navigate the challenging terrain of dealing with such individuals.

Identifying Covert Narcissistic Parents

It is important to recognize the signs of covert narcissistic parenting. These individuals, often described as covert narcissists, strive to maintain a perfect image in public while handling their children in manipulative and abusive ways at home. Let's explore the behaviors that can tip off a covert narcissistic parent.

Manipulative Behavior

Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation. They may seem like loving, involved parents when in public, but once they are at home, their true intentions and actions are often quite different. For example, they may:

Promise attention and affection only to revoke it when their children do not meet expectations.

Critique and punish their children for minor missteps or perceived shortcomings while praising them lavishly when they comply with their demands.

Use their children to demonstrate their parenting prowess to others, often leading to unhealthy competition and rivalry among siblings.

One common tactic is to make children compete for the affection and approval of the covert narcissist. This can result in children feeling undeserving of love and attention, fostering resentment and deep-seated psychological damage.

Withdrawal of Affection

Covert narcissists often control their children by withholding affection and attention. Children may experience insecurity and anxiety, leading to a lack of trust and emotional stability. Parents who practice such tactics might:

Withdraw attention and love when children do not adhere to their expectations.

Use phrases like "if you were just better, I would so much more" to instill guilt and shame.

Make it clear that their love is conditional and contingent on the children's behavior or performance.

Covert Narcissists and Competition

Covert narcissists thrive when their children see each other as rivals. They often:

Pit children against each other to demonstrate their superiority and one-upmanship.

Divide families through division and manipulation, causing rifts and distrust.

Never hesitate to discredit or humiliate siblings when they see an opportunity to assert dominance.

Parental Love and Attention

The phrase "they buy their children's love" is a significant indicator of covert narcissistic parenting. These individuals:

Grant love and attention only when their children give them something in return.

Offer lavish gifts and material goods, falsely presenting themselves as generous and caring parents.

Use the promise of continued love and attention as a means of control.

Such behaviors can lead children to believe they are not truly loved but are merely valued for their perceived achievements or compliance. This can result in a deep-seated lack of self-worth and a distorted understanding of love and value.

Divisiveness and Lies

Covert narcissistic parents often use lies and manipulation to divide families. Their tactics include:

Telling lies about the other parent to make them seem less caring and more selfish.

Persuading children to turn against the other parent, leading to feelings of betrayal and distrust.

Creating a false narrative to control their children's perception of reality.

The goal is to manipulate children into believing the covert narcissist is providing everything, while the other parent is inadequate or unworthy. This can leave children feeling lost, confused, and unable to trust their own perceptions.

The Decisive Public vs. Private Terrains

The behavior of a covert narcissistic parent can vary greatly depending on the setting. In public, they may project an image of a loving, caring parent. However, privately, their actions can be:

Abusive.

Explosive.

Manipulative.

Aggressive.

They may deliberately create situations that allow them to lose control, resulting in public displays of anger and emotional tantrums, leaving a trail of fear and hysteria behind.

Dealing with Covert Narcissistic Parents

Dealing with a covert narcissistic parent can be extremely challenging. Here are some strategies to help cope with their manipulative and abusive behaviors:

Self-Preservation

Recognize and document the patterns of abusive behavior.

Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals.

Set boundaries and communicate clearly about your needs and limitations.

Focus on your own well-being and prioritize self-care.

Professional Help

Consult a therapist or counselor who specializes in dealing with narcissistic individuals.

Consider joining support groups to share experiences and gain strength.

Explore legal options if necessary, such as restraining orders or custody battles.

Communication

Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently.

Do not engage in verbal or emotional confrontations unless necessary.

Stay calm and composed during interactions, even if provoked.

Covert narcissistic parenting is not a happy or healthy situation, but with self-awareness and the right support, it is possible to navigate through the harmful behaviors and reclaim your emotional well-being.