Why People Who Are Hurt Push You Away: Understanding and Empathy

People who have experienced emotional hurt often exhibit behaviors that may seem counterintuitive—or even hurtful. One of the most common behaviors is pushing people away. While there are numerous possible reasons for these behaviors, two primary factors emerge: fear and shame.

Understanding Fear and Abandonment

Fear of abandonment stands as one of the strongest motivating factors for those who push others away. The human brain is a master at prioritizing safety. When faced with the possibility of being hurt again, a person might opt for the status quo. This is because the perceived risk of stepping into an unknown situation (like new relationships) can be too high compared to the potential rewards. This fear drives individuals to retreat and create barriers to protect themselves from potential harm.

Childhood experiences play a significant role. For individuals who experienced emotional or physical abuse during their formative years, the people they trusted the most, such as parents and caregivers, often proved to be the most hurtful. A mother who physically abuses a child, for example, wounds the child both emotionally and physically. In these scenarios, the parent’s role is to safeguard the child, and their failure to do so inflicts significant emotional trauma. This early trauma often manifests as difficulty in forming or maintaining relationships later in life. People may push away those who seek to help them, believing that opening up again could lead to similar hurts.

Understanding Shame and Vulnerability

Another major factor is shame. When people feel shame, they may withdraw to protect their sense of self-worth. They might fear ridicule, judgment, or being hurt through rejection again. This shame can stem from various sources, such as past emotional or verbal abuse. These individuals may believe that if they let others in, they will expose their vulnerabilities, which they fear might be eclipsed by guilt or shame.

Re-establishing Boundaries and Trust

To break these patterns of pushing people away, it is crucial to re-establish and understand personal boundaries. Knowing oneself and understanding one's own motives can help in empathizing with others and recognizing their true intentions. By building a foundation of self-awareness, individuals can trust that others are genuinely trying to help. This trust enables healing and fosters healthier relationships.

One way to foster understanding is through patience and empathy. When someone is pushed away, it is important to be patient and give them the space they need. Sometimes, sitting with them and not pressuring them to talk can help them feel safe and seen. As they begin to feel understood, they may open up.

For introverted individuals, the tendency to pull away in times of pain can be even more pronounced. Introverts often find their energy depleted in social settings and may retreat to protect themselves. Understanding and acknowledging this can help loved ones provide the necessary support and understanding.

In conclusion, people who push you away when hurt do so out of survival mechanisms and emotional pain. Recognizing the underlying fears and empathizing with these individuals can open the door to healing and reconnection. Patience, understanding, and a willingness to trust can go a long way in fostering healthier, more meaningful relationships.